Do you know what the one thing that will take you from a moment of complete relief to a moment of heart pounding hysteria is? An overflowing toilet. Imagine if you will, you just finished your duty and your rectum, bladder, colon or what not is at its happiest. Then you proceed to flush. And somehow, things aren't moving in the right direction. In fact, your heart begins to pound, your eyes pop out of your head and your hands seem immobile. You freeze up not knowing what to do. Plunger? Towel? Hands? You see that whirlpool of tainted water coming towards you like a giant flood. And then when it gets to 1/4 inch from the top, you see the water going back down, ever so slowly, back to where it came from. And you can breathe once again.

But we're not always that lucky are we? What about those times when it horrifically flows over the top like a giant Slurpee? What do you do then?

Overflowing toilets. One of the most embarassing moments in life I think.

It's probably the thing that will keep you from getting invited back to a party the next year if you cause a catastrophy at someone's home. Because when you're at someone else's home, it's not like a 5 stall lavatory at a restaurant where you can stealthily sneak out and pretend like you didn't commit the crime that you just did. When your friend comes back from the ladies' room that you just finished using and they tell you of the slob that did something like that. You can just bat your eye and declare, "What? How rude of people to be so inconsiderate of others! Nasty!" And then you can proceed to point out another lady at the other end of the restaurant and say "I saw HER in there while I was leaving the toilet." Then crinkle your nose in disgust at her.

It always works. As long as you don't smell like shit.

But no, if we're at someone's home, we don't have the luxury of being incognito in a 5 stall lavatory. We are at the mercy of a single bathroom where there's usually a line forming outside of it. So you overflow and god knows you can't use the white linen hand towels the host put up only on special occasions and have it smeared with poop. And those two-ply sheets of Charmin really can't save you if your life depended on it either. So defeated....you have to come clean. Literally. Because when you're at someone's home, someone will bound to see you sneak out of the washroom with poopy tracks on the carpet. Then not even 2 minutes later, word gets around and you've been scorned like an outcast of those Indian caste system...the untouchables. Granted, if your host is kind and considerate and don't mind wiping after your shit, then you've been saved and will try to explain to others that "oh my toilet has so many problems. it's been clogging up like that recently. i should have warned you all about it." On the other hand, if you have one of those anal clean freaks who flusters at finding a piece of sesame on the carpet, then you might as well move to another city because you'll never hear the end of it. And every time someone meets you for the first time, their eyes will suddenly light up in recognition and say, "oh, you MUST be xx's friend. i hear you had some plumbing problems!" and with a quick nudge to your ribs, they shuffle off not wanting to be associated with an untouchable.

At home, the situation is different. It's just a hassle and you're just bitching to yourself under your breath because you've contaminated your bathroom and it's become a biohazard area now. My biggest fear is that dirty water will seep out through the other side of the wall on the floor and short circuit the dvd, vcr and big screen. :P Or worse yet, into the bedroom (i sleep on the floor). So how can we prevent this overflow problem? Wipe your butt half way through with just enough toilet paper and flush. You can finish up the rest of your colon irrigation without worrying that you've plugged up the entire urinary/fecal plumbing. And are there women who still flush sanitary napkins instead of wrapping them up and disposing of them the proper way? Tsk tsk tsk. Well then you deserve an overflow - a brown bloody mess all over the floor!

*cringe*

Anyway, the holiday season is upon us, which means we'll be dining out more, visiting friends at their home more and so, be afraid. Be very afraid of the overflowing toilet dilemma. I always try to not take a dump at friend's home because I have a shy colon. But of course if I had some bad curry with a glass of orange juice and goat cheese, then yeah, do your duty. But do use some air freshener or light a match afterwards. For the sake of others because we all know we can't smell our own shit.

Have a pleasant weekend.

I'm out.