visage
january 13, 2004
i was looking at photos of myself last night. photos from yesteryears. my hair was shiny, thick and silky. the color of ebony. wavy tresses framed a rather fair skinned me. lips as if i dipped it into blood. teeth straight and white against the sharp contrast of the red. skin taut and smooth, nearly poreless.
and the eyes. the eyes that sparkled in a way i haven't seen in years. they don't look like the eyes of someone i know. they are not the same eyes i see when i look into the mirror today. yesterday. last month. last year. like shiny black pearls, they danced in the photo. laughing. smiling. back to the onlooker. a luster that's seemed to have faded years ago.
what did i feel as i held that photo in my hand? i gazed upon it longingly. drinking in every detail. every color. every line. every angle. the way one's head tilts. the way i smiled into the camera, giving my entire self to the photo.
and for a while i wished i was young again. to turn back the clock and to relive even 1 day under the guise of youth. knowing what i know now - what would i have done differently in those 24 hours? i know very well what i would have done. i would not have wasted the hours, minutes or seconds that i took for granted. the hours spent idling and wondering. pausing because i was hesitant about decisions.
i looked at myself today in the mirror after i took a shower. amidst the steam and vapors, i could almost see the same girl in the reflection. but clarity ensued once the mist dissipated. and then i realized, i may not look identical to the girl in the photo but i AM the girl in the photo. the girl with the same dreams. same thoughts. same hopes. same feelings. same emotions. same wishes.
the same heart. the same soul.
the photos found its place back into the album and was solidly tucked away back on the shelf again.
but i wonder though .... in 8, 9, 10 years from now when i look back on photos of me at this age today, would i feel the same way as i do today when i saw photos of a younger me? would tears still well up in my eyes as i jostle through the memories, one frame at a time?
would i regret as i do today?
