full length
january 16, 2004
it seems like i've been waiting all week for today. friday. a night where it doesn't matter if i don't get enough sleep or if my mind doesn't function properly the next day. at work, i have to be at my peak - mind alert, sharp and fast. in what i do, time is of the essence and if i falter - there's no one to blame but me. i've been pulling 11 hour workdays on the barest of capacity. but i finally made it to friday.
during the entire week, people kept on asking what was wrong with me. i didn't know i looked any different to regular passerbys. i was just yawning a lot and administering eyedrops frequently. in fact, since i knew i was suffering rather horribly based on lack of sleep and nutrition, i tried to compensate by dressing neater, applying more vibrant make up colors, using a lot of bobbi brown hydrating face cream and drinking tons of water. people noticed i was putting more effort into my appearance this week. but that's because they couldn't see my bloodshot eyes or my dry flaky skin and chapped lips.
if they could only see beneath the veneer of packaging, they would have seen something quite unlike the winnie they know. not just physically but also mentally, emotionally and intellectually.
i think in the 4 years i've been writing my journal, i don't think i've ever posted a full body shot of myself. i suppose the reason for it is because i don't really take photos of myself in a full body mode and if people take photos of me, it's on their cameras, not mine. but that evening when i was looking back at my old photos -- i was looking at a "project" that i did back then. i would take full length or nearly full length shots of myself every 3 weeks or so to assess my progress in weight loss or to keep myself on track. it was quite instrumental in achieving my goal or i should say, in the direction of my goal. it was actually with that sort of motivation that got me seeing a lot of results in 5 months.
of course, let me mention the downside to this project. the part where you see yourself years later compared to yourself back then. and the misery, desolation, dejection that goes along with it.
i decided to take a snapshot this morning of myself before i left for work. it's slightly blurry, not very clear, not very defined. in fact, you can't even tell the difference between my black button down shirt and my dark rinsed boot cut jeans and my black boots. but in looking at this photo now, i think i've come to realize that i will always be a very curvy girl with soft edges and muscular bulk. i will never be reed thin or slim by any context of the word. i suppose i should be happy to have some assets that other women don't have, and that i should liberate myself from the images of the ideal body in my mind. i ought to be happy that i have distinct bodily features such as a bust, a butt, a waist, hips and shoulders.
maybe if i keep telling myself that, i will one day believe it.
and accept it.
