ms
december 27, 2005
i started noticing it last year when the christmas card arrived. the penmanship looked different. sloppier. less in control. almost child-like. but yet still similar. when i realized whose writing it was, i broke down and cried. hard.
i received this year's card a few days ago. the penmanship didn't change much from last year so the shock wasn't as great. but yet a heavy lump settled heavily inside me as i opened up the envelope.
she's been writing me since i was a child. sending me money, little gifts, cards and things like that. her writing was always flowing and artistic. smooth and feminine. everytime i saw my name on the envelope, i recognized it immediately. being hundreds of miles apart, that is how one big sister kept in touch with her younger sister before there was something called email.
but last year, i began to see a change. the writing was not exactly the same yet it was hers.
my sister has MS, multiple sclerosis.
i haven't seen her in years and i know she doesn't like me to worry so she doesn't tell me much. i do know she uses a cane now because it's getting worse.
i've put off seeing her in these past few years because of arguments we've had, different points of views, and difficulty in understanding one another. things in our family's past has caused us to drift apart, silently.
perhaps this is all a bunch of crap i use as an excuse. my biggest fear is to see her and to not see the sister i've always known. i'm afraid to see someone who has become handicapped by this disease. i'm afraid to see her and i will break down and cry in front of her. because i am weak. because i am scared. and because i am in denial.
maybe it's time.
time to put my fears behind me and to make sure that i do not regret missing out on the precious time we have left on this earth.
currently listening to: lost in translation, alone in kyoto
