tsunami
january 04, 2005
i'm a few days late but happy new year to you all. i've been wanting to update these past several days but as i watched the aftermath of the tsunami unfold onscreen, little did i know that my very own personal tsunami was about to hit the shores of my life.
a handful of my closest friends will say that i am extremely loyal and i give my heart completely & freely to people i hold dear to it. although acquiantances come and go, true friends are the ones who are there for you through thick & thin and i just know when i click with a certain person. in all my years, it's rare that i ever decide to walk away from a friendship. but one particular friendship has given me much heartache, pain and sadness. but that's not to say that this particular friendship hasn't given me equal doses of happiness, joy and love.
i wrestled for a long time with what i should do. i debated if i could continue on the way it was going. i wondered if i had the strength to walk away. but finally in the end, i decided that i needed to stand up to what i believed i deserved in a friendship and make it known.
the hardest part about making this decision was that walking away from this friend would mean tearing out my own heart. but i felt this person no longer really cared about me nor valued my friendship. in all the years, i've given this person my utmost unwavering support, my most solid of confidences, my firmest hand to hold while i received nearly nothing back. perhaps one can say it's my stupidity but i like to believe that i had a special bond with this person that made me stay in for the long haul.
but unforseen circumstances arose and i was left at a dead end without anyone's hand to hold onto. the friend whose hand i had pulled through the sludge of problems was no longer beside me. this person in their own way ducked under the radar leaving me thinking i was alone. as if nothing happened, i continued on in my own life wondering about this person, hoping this person had found happiness in other areas of life.
until one day 15 months later, this person resurfaced.
once again, i opened my heart up to their friendship all the while remembering the pain they caused, the silent suffering i went through and the feeling of abadonment they left me in. but yet, i still stood by their side again helping them fight their wars, lending an ear for them to fill with their sorrows, sharing my shoulder as a crutch for their missteps in life. i secretly hoped that this would show that the solidity of my friendship and how i don't let past obstacles drag me down. no, in fact the way i could forgive was unsurpassed.
slowly and silently, time began to pass and phone calls, emails and other methods of contact became nonexistent. sure, they resurfaced at their leisure but i always felt like i did something wrong to make this person keep their distance. was there something about me that made me so undesirable as a friend? i decided to finally give it another chance by using one event in this past year as the ultimate deal breaker. when my friend didn't live up to that event, i mentally made a decision to part when the time was right.
the time finally came on new year's day. not liking to part with people without giving a reason why, i went into a full scale explanation of the whys and hows i came to my final decision. this friend understood in every way and nodded in agreement. they knew exactly the downfalls of where our friendship lay and reasoning behind the heart wrenching decision i had come to.
but nothing prepared me for what this person had to say when it was time for their explanation.
i am left in awe & confusion. part of me is both happy & sad, relieved & worried, disappointed & surprised.
what he had to say became the unforseen tsunami that i never prepared myself for.
