work in progress
march 28, 2006
for the past 15 months, i've been looking at these lamps nearly every week. i'm usually seated here looking into the mirror while waiting for my turn. as i sit here, i'm already running down a mental checklist of things i want to discuss. at first, i didn't know i had so much to talk about. and there were times when i find myself gulping for air and talking as fast as i can, so that i can get it "out there".
it's different talking to friends or family who are biased in some ways. it's difficult to share about things that people will typically judge you on. it's painful to reveal things so brutally honest to yourself that you cringe in shock as the words spew forth from your lips.
with each week, as hard as it was, i took a step closer to myself. i knew i was broken. i knew i needed to heal. i knew no one could help me but....me.
the power to confess. the power to verbalize. the power to confront your own demons. to be able to speak and not be talked down to. to be able to express without judgment. to be able to communicate from your heart without fear or regret or remorse.
and to have someone tell you that "it's okay" even though it's really not and that "it's not okay" when you thought it was.
i've learned so much about myself in these past 14 months. and i'm only beginning to accept myself for all the good and the bad that i am.
and it's not easy.
i'll always be a work in progress.
currently listening to: air, alone in kyoto
